 - Last login: 8 hours agoElle-ba
- elle is a 41 year old woman from Scotland, UK.
- Likes 4,123 pages, 17 videos, 296 photos • 1,079 fans • Received 235 reviews
- Member since Dec 03, 2004
Treat every person with kindness and respect, even those who are rude to you. Remember that you show compassion to others not because of who they are but because of who you are.
~ Andrew T. Somers ~
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NHP: For friends and, especially, family members BPD must be difficult to understand and deal with. Do you have any suggestions for those who have loved ones with BPD?
ALC: One thing that is very important to keep in mind is that people with BPD are often in intense emotional pain. They often feel overwhelmed by the intensity of their emotions and don't always know what to do to manage their emotions. Keeping in mind just how much people with BPD tend to struggle with their emotions, behaviours, and relationships may help those who care for them have more understanding of what they are going through.
Another thing that is important to keep in mind is that many people with BPD can do really well when they are not stressed out. They have many strengths and, when things in their lives are going smoothly and they are not distressed, they can manage to accomplish many things. However, when they are really stressed out or upset, they may not have access to some of these abilities and strengths. In other words, they may simply not be able to handle things as well or do some of the things they normally could easily do when they are not stressed out. This can be really confusing to their loved ones, who have seen them respond well to certain situations. And, it can sometimes seem like the person with BPD isn't trying hard enough or is just "refusing" to respond effectively. Now, we definitely understand how it could seem this way, especially when someone looks so good some of the time. But, the thing to remember is that when they are really upset, many people with BPD really do not know how to access skills and abilities that are sometimes easy for them. They are not being stubborn or refusing to try -- it is simply the case that one symptom of BPD is having a hard time doing things when feeling upset or stressed out.
Of course, in addition to these things, it is important for anyone who cares about someone with BPD to take care of themselves as well. None of us can provide good support to someone else if we are not taking care of ourselves. So, if you love someone with BPD, make sure that you put aside time to take care of yourself and do things that can help you relax and feel better as well. And, keep in mind that even if you work to understand where your loved one is coming from and the reasons for her or his maladaptive behaviours, that does not mean that you cannot also set your own limits. You can validate someone's emotional pain and provide support to that person while at the same time making it clear what is and is not okay with you and the behaviours that you will and will not tolerate. You can set limits without taking away your support and validation. The best approach is to balance acceptance of your loved one for who he or she is, and compassionate but firm help in making changes.
NHP: What is the best way to calm a loved one with BPD who is experiencing extreme anger or sadness?
ALC: Starting with validation is a really useful way to help someone regulate their emotions. When a person is really upset, it is best to begin by acknowledging why they are upset and the ways in which this understandable. In fact, studies have found that validation actually decreases a person's emotional arousal, whereas invalidation increases arousal. So, we would suggest beginning with validation. We mention this because it is quite common for people who see someone else in distress to want to "fix" that distress and jump into problem-solving. And, although this can eventually be helpful, beginning with validation can pave the way for these other approaches.
Now, after you have validated the person's pain and provided some support, you can gradually begin to help him or her identify solutions to problems or to feel better. With someone who is really angry, it is important for you to act calm and speak in a calm, neutral voice. The important thing here is that you don't imply that he or she shouldn't be upset or should feel better immediately. Instead, you can gently suggest some things that the person could do to soothe him or herself. For anger, soothing, calming activities, or relaxation skills (breathing slowly, muscle relaxation) can be very helpful. For example, you might also suggest a hot bath, a warm cup of cocoa, watching TV, or a variety of other strategies. For sadness, sometimes, it is useful to help the person soothe him or herself and/or get active and do something, such as go for a walk, exercise, or spend time with other people.
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